When Nation Media Group launched its flagship television station Nation Television (now NTV) at the turn of the millennium in 1999-2000, it introduced some local programmes fashioned on European or North American versions. Among the presenters of the day I remember are Eyes on the Peoples host Zawadi Mawanda and a drop dead South African lady who had come to Kenya from London Nomava Kibare. There was also a dating programmer whereby people without the raw skills, vibe and finesse to tune or get tuned would get a chance to select a prospective date from a pool of hopelessly romantic types. They would then be taken to an all expense paid outing so that they can get the opportunity to get up-close and candid with each other. In my case, I learnt how to vibe while in school, primary and high although I was not the cockerel type of person being a person who is a laid back extrovert wrapped up in one.
It was a good programme because most of those who took part were normal people, with flaws as you or me. But of late I have been reliably informed (and confirmed and verified this information with YouTube) that Kenya Television Network KTN has a programme scripted along such lines called Tujuane (a Swahili term meaning let us know each other). It would not have caught my attention had not been for the mental torture (or is it massacre) a gentleman participating in the show known as George from Kasarani ( Diva ni sabuni) went through at the hands ooohh sorry… lips of one Susan from South C (who sounded a high maintenance person, if we have to ignore her cutlery etiquette and brash behavior). Now this George it transpires is a seriously loaded guy, but the image he presents to the good lady from South C is that of a person struggling (yaani hustler or sufferer mtu nguyas), from his choice of clothes, music and what the towel on the table is meant for. After watching the episode, I will not be harsh on either George or Susan who some have called “light but not bright” but will watch the vindeo and ndrama as it unfolds from the comfort of the armchair. Kenyans on Twitter will be the next batch to board a plane to The Hague for crimes against Susan wa South C to honour a date with Madam Fatou Bensouda for flaming, shaming and roasting this innocent lady.
Personally I have always held that beauty is beyond just the photogenic looks which Susan appears to have (even though it may be strongly argued that not to the level of Tia or Tamera Mowry). Beauty should also encompass character and other traits. At the time when we were watching Nomava Kibare, most young boys opined that Debra Sanaipei and not Yolanda Masinde was an exemplification of local beauty, but all along we never heard of or saw her humiliate a man simply because she was beautiful. And so those boys who were cheeky would always seek ways of shaking her hand in the City and giggling from ear to ear come to transmit the information to the rest of us. (We were never sure whether such a handshake ever was, although the subjects would claim not to have washed their hands for several days!). International-wise it used to be Hale Berry who adorned many young men’s mental walls (some frank and honest ladies would tell me that I was not a Denzel Washington type – to date, I still do not know who this man was or is ). Later on after I was crowned a Young Elder in the Sunset Order of the Rising Sun, while drowning away my soberness under dimly lit environments, I would hear from those who had been there, done that and bought some things that true beauty and freedom lay in the eyes of the beer holder, not skin deep of the beauty.
Supposing that I was unlucky to an extent of hooking up with some random person through assisted or blind dating, (these is just for information purposes only as being a retired player who hang his boots some years ago with a RED classification now an elder in the Sunset Order of the Rising Sun bars one from adopting certain tendencies, habits or conduct like emulating Akuku Danger, Raphael Wanjala, Jacob Zuma, King Mswati III, Silvio Berlusconi aka Bungabunga and lately my hero Mohammed Abduba Dida alias Coachess wa Team)I would reveal the following about myself;
- Residence – I have been a ghetto resident (but not ghetto fabulous though) for as long as I remember, and I make no apologies for that. If you want to visit me, get to the Dagoretti District Commissioner’s Office in Kawangware-Riruta and call me so that I can either come to pick you up, or clear the way so that miscreants will allow you ingress and egress. I only get to hear about suburbs from my mabarbie acquaintances. ( they rarely befriend or accept your friendships because of the fear of the unknown)
- Occupation – I do a lot of things to make ends meet. I am not some white-collar, air-conditioned office worker per se. So if you have any work to be done, it won’t hurt if you get back to me having in mind the fact that I am not one who looks at a gift horse in the mouth.
- Education and Language – Nimeread kiasi to keep me going I can work literally anywhere just give me induction and we are good to go. I’am a voracious reader who knows the eight figures of speech thanks to my mother and some few teachers. I can hold a conversation going anywhere, anytime at all times. Am a Swahili mufti guru (or professor as I was once told by a Kiswahili linguistically challenged person) and a sheng speaker as circumstances dictate.
- Music – My musical tastes are varied. Harry Belafonte’s Jamaican farewell, Billie Holiday’s Strange Fruit, James Last’s Tico Tico, Lee Retiour & David Sanborn’s Backstreet, Louis Armstrong’s What a wonderful world, Mozart’s Marriage of Figaro, Handel’s messiah, Mzee Ngala’s Bango, Kalamashaka’s Tafsiri Hii, being a rumba connoisseur TPOK Jazz’s Ekabakaba, Sadao Watanabe’s tunes, Bob Dylan’s The Time they are Changing, Afua Suleimani & East African Melody’s Taarab, Old school reggae like Bob Marley and the Wailers – siyo kelele za akina Vybz Kartel or Mavado, without forgetting Ohangla with such tunes as Calisto, Siaya Kababa, Kanungo e teko and Kuche kuche ..mano tabia mbaya. (Never mind the fact that I do not fathom 90% of what is being sang). I have most of these artists’ songs on my system.
- Dress – I was never christened a conman without some valid reasons. I don brand new Chinese suits, second-hand Gikosh shoes, suits and shirts, but buy new ties, socks, vests and “others.”
- Games/Sports – I play and also train people to play chess ( at this juncture, I am ready and willing to train Susan wa South C at a very competitive discount so that she can at least play a proper sport and game openings like the Queen’s Opening aache za ovyo mambo ya elitist sports kama fencing ama watching Australian Opening kutupandisia ), scrabble, but I am a fan of football (Gor Mahia, Arsenal, Celtics, Barcelona, Internationale Milan, Santos, Boca Juniors not Riverplate, ), lawn tennis a very expensive game I love and occasionally follow live coverage on BBC Sportsworld ( talk of the four grand slam tournaments viz. Australian Open , the French Open, the Wimbledon and the US Open), Rugby aka rudgie, and occasional watch basketball.
- Manners – I can ably handle the cutlery at Serena and also jostle for space at Burma market. I am not that person who is pretentious with my head in the air and my feet off the ground. And if you think that a fist-bump is for lowlifes, then proceed to classify me as such. Kugota ni muhimu.
- Clubs and restaurants – Sichagui, sibagui. Simmers ama Sarova Stanley’s Thorn Tree, am like a duck in water.
Now about George being said to have developed jelly feet, and blubbering instead of holding his own, most of men would agree, that at one point in your life, u tried katiaring a nguna na lugha ikapinga mwamba ,you went gagaga, gigagagaaa as Nonini would say unless you never tried and just went home to nurse your wishes and dreams which would eventually never come true. You occasionally make a fool of yourself but you don’t give up, you console yourself that the ocean is still full. And about Susan wa South C, I know where you are coming from, I won’t hate or lambast you or even castigate you for your very divaish behavior (unless the show was choreographed to cast you as a person or bimboish buffoon suffering from inferiority complex who can only feel content by humiliating others). You showed the world your true colours and character, and it is not a sin or crime to do so, please do not apologize for you are on the right path and if lady luck smiles on you, then it may not even be Lewis Hamilton breaking up with Nicole Scherzinger to look for you, but last time I checked, Tiger Woods was single! I was once told by a lady that my countenance was not what the national legal tender would wish to have on its face. I took it in stride because having refused to be “hers”, I understood it to be a case of sour grapes.